DEAR DIARY, BY LINCOLN COTSWOLD

Maybe it’s the feminist literature I’m into so deeply at the moment that’s making me off-putting, but you know, generally, I’ve found the stuff really inspiring. Being comfortable with my boobs, you know, that sort of thing.

I think I’m going to cut my hair into a bob and start dressing like a lesbian. A ‘Mummy’s boy’ dilemma, the therapists call it. (Note to self – maybe this is a good title for my new album).  OK, I know women who shave their head with a razor and get inked up and down their body aren’t exactly the spitting image of my mum, but the instinct is basically there. Once she called me a shit-arse and refused to clean my bed after I soiled it. I was like, 24, but still. The principle of the matter is the same.

On the subject of which, there is, in my opinion, too many ‘likes’ in contemporary parlance. I mean, I know I use it, and in some ways it’s not even a bad preposition if only for the cadence of one’s sentence, but I’m not really down with these public school types who preface every sentence with ‘Like’. (Yes that’s you Donald!) Example:

‘What’s the water like down there Miles?’

(and here, think thick royal counties accent): “Liiiiiiiiike, it’s cold, but like not that cold, Hubert”.

It seeps into like, everything though. I suppose it’s parenting. I mean, everyone wonders why I write like a 13-year-old American schoolgirl but really they should get a look at my childhood. I mean God, you should see what momo used to do to me and Elliot in (clothes I’m on about, mother, we’ll leave your culinary deficiencies for another time).

Today I was listening to some Drake music and after that I basically started jumping around the house singing and dancing then took a picture of myself with a caption that read, ‘and im like, ‘fella, wot!’’ I wanted to tag Elliot, but you know, I don’t think daddy’s quite there yet. If Marie-Antoinette can do it (and by God, I think the young girl just might’ve) then so can I. While I realise second-guessing what Mazza would or wouldn’t have done isn’t exactly valediction for a selfie (or, actually, normal, productive behaviour) it’s a damn sight better than the sort of nonsense Pop is sending me down the snapchat vine these days.

I actually wait to get into an empty room to open one of his messages, just in case someone on the tube looking over my shoulder gets the wrong impression and thinks that bald homosexuals on sex offender lists are sending me profile pics via Grinder. I swear the man’s got issues. Each picture is grimmer than the next. He doesn’t seem to have mastered the fact that actually, if he wants to send a message, there’s whatsapp, and that taking a picture of his face and typing over the top of it, ‘just waxed my balls’ is a bit unnecessary. I mean the message was about a new haircut, but, well, you get the point.

OK, diary, signing off for the night, gonna crawl through more youtube interviews with Lena Dunham and get some advice on being a strong independent woman. Word up momo. Night.

North South Collide – Episode 15

Quite frankly this episode lacks pace, panache, and lucidity. Why even bother listening, I hear the braver amoungst you ask? If you’ll allow me to be perfectly truthful about things, I ponder the same point myself. In fact, I don’t think there’s a good answer.

The symmetrically appealing 30:30 duration that this episode clocks in at might be reason enough for you to give it a whirl. If you were to do so you’d be treated to the sort of nonsensical drivel regular listeners will now be accustomed to. Oh, and we have some new sound effects in this episode! Perhaps that is reason enough. The boys cover such topics as embarrassment, humiliation and getting older, and at one point even question the identity of their respective fathers.

“All you need to say is you’re ill, don’t you…I don’t think you need to start inventing deaths’ – Dylan on pulling ‘the sickie’.

enjoy.

North South Collide – Episode 14

Well, the BOOK is NOW OUT! – ‘Marooned in Aggieland: A Bumbling Brit Discovers College Football, Guns N’ Waffles’ is available to order through both Amazon and Barnes & Noble.

To celebrate, we’re back with another episode of pure nonsensical drivel.

“I’m not going to whip out a sewing kit and get this going” – Josh’s encounter with a ‘stupid trailing dress’.

Please, do your best with this one.

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